“Am I babbling? Do I make sense?”
11/17/05 9:20 A. M.
“Is mixing coffee and tea like mixing beer and wine?”
10/4/05, 8:10 a.m.
“you have the CAT virus… it’s also known as cat scratch FEVER! Ehehehehehe.”
10/4/05, 8:55 a.m.
“Jeff, are you JC? May I call you JC? Ehehehehehe.”
10/4/05, 10:15 a.m.
“I’ll just bug Crispin to help me…ehehehehehehe.”
“Goes great with a glass of WINE!”
10/7/05, 8:00 a.m., talking to Richard about “Santa Claus vs. the Martians”
“Well, there is an answer: how long does it take to catch a fish?”
10/7/05 8:15 a.m., talking to richard about learning a language
“What’s’ the only English word with two u’s together?”
“Vacuum,” answers Crispin.
10/07/05, 11 a.m.
“TOTALLY just misspelled ‘COLLEAGUES.’I said, please refer me to any other ‘COLLEGES!’ ehehehehehehe.” (to next person who walks by): “I just misspelled ‘COLLEAGUES.’”
10/07/05 12 p.m.
“you know, you’re talking to an EXPERT in computer virus… it’s like some people collect STAMPS? I collect software. I once downloaded software for a DENTAL office. It’s like, why do some people climb mt. Everest? Because it’s THERE! It’s like, I’m at a party, and I see a friend who works at a dental office, I give him the software. I’ve got THOUSANDS of cds of software. It’s like people collect stamps. I HAVE TO HAVE THE LATEST VERSION OF EVERYTHING ON MY COMPUTER. I HAVE THE LATEST VERSION OF PHOTOSHOP; THE LATEST VERSION OF ADOBE!”
(Finally, Jeff snaps, “DOES IT MATTER?! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO OPEN A PDF! COME ON!” (he had been mumbling under his breath during Greg’s tirade)).
Greg: “then, the beginning of broadband… IT WAS LIKE 24/7 DOWNLOADING!!!”
12:15-12:25 p.m., 10/7/05
“These projects are like BREAD. They stay around too long, they get STALE.”
10/10/05, 9:14 a.m.
“I LOVE the sound of Brazilian Portugese. Everybody talks about FRENCH. But I LOVE the sound of Brazilian Portugese. But I think I should learn CHINESE.”
10/10/05, 9:35 a.m. (on the phone with candidate)
“Sometimes I feel HOT, sometimes I feel COLD! Know how it is? Ehehehehehe. I guess it depends on whether I’m drinking COLD WATER or COFFEE!” (nobody looks up or responds).
10/10/05 2:45 p.m.
“What do I put in the field marked ‘Ho?’ I hope we’re not calling Tessa a ho… she’s a very nice lady!” (complete silence from the office…some winces) 10/11/05 8:00 a.m.
“Go down to the butcher’s a buy yourself a cow’s tongue!” suggestion for licking envelopes. 10/11/05 8:05 a.m.
“You know, there are some days when you just can’t seem to STRETCH enough. But not Brendan! He wakes up fresh as a daisy!” (I fake laugh to best of my ability while trying to avoid eye contact). 10/11/05 8:30 a.m.
“That alarm is so loud and annoying…I can’t ignore it… it disturbs the whole profiling process.” Speaking about a fire alarm, unaware that he is describing himself to a T. 10/11/05 10:30 a.m.
“My spanish must be slipping. The guy on the phone said my spanish was really good but he could tell I’m not a native speaker. Slippin’.” 10/11/05 2:30 pm.
Adam’s response, over IM: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
“It’s good, for the Tenderloin.” Describing his new apartment, where he’ll be raising his family 10/13/05
“ASPIRINS?! I THOUGHT THOSE WERE M&MS! Ehehehehehehehe!” 10/13/05
“MOM! MOM! WAIT A MINUTE! THERE SHOULD BE PLENTY OF BANDWIDTH!” begging his mom not to stop his download of useless software “Our kids will have there inter-bio-transmolecular trasmitters, and we’ll be like, what’s that? Where’s my pentium 5? Ehehehehehehe!” 10/13/05 That was classic. Greg was trying to show Richard that he can use really large scissors to cut his nose hair Richard kinda wretched and walked away
10/26/05 2:30 pm.
New low: 20 minute conversation with Jeff, begging for advice while simultaneously fishing for praise and stoking his own ego… low points: “oh, I’ll GROVEL for a profile… I’ll do anything. I’m a whore. I’m a profile WHORE!!” listeners somehow not shocked by image of greg grovelling. “I just like to FEEEEL what they’re thinking. I like to FEEEEEEL a connection with them. I’ll say ‘I’m the agent, you’re the movie star! EHEHEHEHE!” office collectively cringes at both “movie star” quote and man-cackle. “Don’t feel like you’re patronizing me. Please, don’t feel like you’re patronizing me. I’ve TAAAAAALKED to Richard. If you hear me say something that I shouldn’t have said, PLEASE TELL ME IMMEDIATELY!”
Significance of their being the same age not lost on spectators.
“Sometimes I feel so stupid”
11-1-05 11:41
“Joe I hope you don’t MIND, but I stole your ROLODEX line. It just sounds more HUMAN.” Joe, baffled by what the hell he’s talking about, asks, “You stole my rolodex?” “EHEHEH! No, I stole your rolodex LIIIINE! You know, I’ll keep you in my ROLODEX? It just sounds more HUMAN.” 10/28/05 10:24 a.m.
“You have a MAC? You need to get a PC! There are tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons and tons (literally saying it this many times) tons and tons and tons and tons of software out there! I have thousands of DVDs of software! TONS!” 10/31/05 1:17 a.m.
“you know, I need to RESEARCH these things… because KNOWLEDGE is POWER. I don’t have enough HOURS in the DAY!” clearly not timing the amount of talking he does. 11/1/05 11:30 a.m.
“You know, there are lots of crackheads, but they just sit on the side of the road and smoke their crack. so what’s the problem? and, sure, there’s pee, but… where isn’t there pee in this city? you can’t walk down Market street without having to jump over the rivulets of pee. In fact name me one area that’s pee-free? I’m pretty impressed with the Tenderloin. Yeah, impressed. It’s not nearly as bad as Santiago, where’s there’s a lot more crime. Oh, and I can’t tell my wife this, but my mom went on “Megan’s Law” online, and there’s a bunch of registered sex offenders in my neighborhood. ehehehehe. Can’t tell her that!” 11/1/05 1:00-1:10 p.m.
“My wife’s coming back tomorrow, so I’ll be in high spirits, joking and talking more!” room collectively cringes. 11/1/05 1:11 p.m.
“You know, I like to expand my… REALMS… of, I don’t want to say COMFORT… but my ABILITY… to DO STUFF. Because, you know, it helps with profiling.” 11/1/05 1:20 p.m.
Overheard this vague vm message:
“Hello my name is Greg. I’m calling you about a situation…”
Sounds like there is a rabid monkey may be loose in the halls, or that their kid just got caught orally fellating his teacher, or something equally fucked up. It’s not the way I would describe a job opportunity.
11/1/05 1:32
“Well, it was a WOMAN. I mean, I may not be much to look at, but you’re all GUYS.” no idea what that meant. “I mean, which of you is married to woman 13 years YOUNGER than you? You know, the age of consent in CHEE-lay is TWELVE! ehehehe!” comes back around for more: “Yeah, i guess they’re trying to CHANGE the age of CONSENT in CHEE-lay. right now it’s TWELVE. but, i mean, i don’t want to sound like a pedophile” we all know what’s coming “but, I mean, the age of consent in America is too HIGH. I mean, 18?” rich interjects: “16.” “Yeah, 16. I mean, you see some of these GIRLS, they’re 16. they’re fully sexual mature. I mean, don’t want to sound like a pedophile.” a few seconds later, reaffirming that he’s not a pedophile: “doesn’t my wife look like the 13 year-old japanese school girl from kill bill?” 11/1/05 3:00-3:05 p.m.
More explicit sexual reference fun:
“Well, I have a feeling my wife will want to make up for three months of ‘hiding the salami.’” office takes this to be a euphemism for ‘cheating on greg.’ “I mean, I AM a sexual tyrannosaur, but, you’ve got to understand, she’s in her sexual PRIME, and supposedly I’m on the downward SPIRAL.” greg? not in his prime? entire office sits stunned. “I guess I ought to get some VIAGARA or eat an entire RHINO horn.” 11/1/05 4:42
“It’s the JAPANESE. They’re the most SEXually TWISTED people on the face of the EARTH! I showed this one movie to my little BROTHER, and he VOMited. I wish I could REMEMBER. It was one of those ANIMAL ones. This woman took a CRAP on the FLOOR and the guy was EATING it with his HANDS tied behind his BACK. eheheheh!” office left to ponder whether greg’s definition of twisted involves watching said shit-eating. 11/3/05 8:34 a.m.
“Remember,I went through the Bird Flu, Back in the Day.”
11/3/05 8:50 a.m.
“I mean, we’ve got diSASter potentials EVERYWHERE. In the west we’ve got EARTHquakes. in the midwest, we’ve torNAdoes. in the northEAST, there’s, you know, the chance for big STORMS, and such. You know, you’re talking to someone who lives in SAN FRANCISCO, so… yeah, yeah… well, you know what I tell them about global warming, it’s like, you know, there’s a good chance you can mess it up more than we can FIX it. No, No, sorry, don’t want to take up too much of your time. So should BDO call you, or…?” enlightening a candidate on weather patterns and his brave stand against earthquakes. 11/3/05 10:23-26 a.m.
on the phone with candidate: “I mean, I don’t want to kiss your butt or anything, but you’re an impressive, successful man who has pulled himself up by his own bootstraps, and…yeah…yeah… do you do any community work? because I’m impressed” (hangs up the phone) “DUDE DID TIME FOR DRUG TRAFFICKING!” crispin: “Don’t put that on the profile.” Greg: “I DON’T KNOW, I MEAN…” (gets up and walks over to our area… everybody groans.. his rant continues…) “you know, you need BUSINESS knowledge to be a drug trafficker… and what’s wrong with it? you’re filling a demand. You’re not hurting everybody. I mean, it’s HARD to be a drug trafficker. You need to know about BUSINESS.” crispin: “um…probably not the right kind of business to be an accountant. I don’t think they’d want that.” greg, speaking from his expert knowledge: “I mean, it takes BUSINESS awareness.” crispin: “well he clearly wasn’t that good… he got caught.” greg: “Well, I mean, if you’re a big-time drug trafficker, you’re gonna get CAUGHT EVENTUALLY - I mean, they have ways of CATCHING these people. But I’m PROUD of him… I mean, our prison system doesn’t usually WORK that way… I’m PROUD. I mean, pretty soon, I’ll be doing profiles for… ESCORTS! EHEHEHEHEHE!” 11/03/05 12:45-1 p.m.
“Amor, por favor… non amor… amooooor… no amor… amor, por favor (click).” greg’s wife berating him than hanging up. two minutes later, another call: silence for the first few minutes as the screaming continues… greg says nothing. hangs up. prepares self for beating upon return home. greg and wife have been reunited approximately 36 hours. office feeling the “amor.”
Slamming down phone: “Damnit Wife, listen to me. JEEEESUS.”
“I’m calling on behalf of bdo SEIDMAN. I’m sure you’ve heard of bdo SEIDMAN before. No? bdo SEIDMAN? No, never heard of them? bdo…seid- yes, yes. yes, well, I’m a bit surprised… you’ve never…” 11/7/05 10:30 a.m.
trying to talk reluctant candidate into giving him profile. “Let me ask you… do you network with recruiters? Because – yes – if you have a DREAM job… If there’s a job you really WANT TO GET… or in case of an EMERGENCY… you can think of me as your AGENT. And you’re the MOVIE STAR. Like, you know, there’s another client of mine, you know, an ic DESIGN engineer, and, you know, he asked me to help him find his DREAM job, and, you know, I haven’t FOUND anything for him yet… but, you know, this was fairly recent. and I’ve been LOOKING. so I could LOOK for you.” really hooked him with that story. hang up occurs moments later. 11/7/05 11:15 a.m.
Richard asks greg if he would like some bread from the Ferry Building. “No, I hate bread. Just kidding! I LOVE bread! Tee-HEE!” Greg clearly missing the charitable intention of the offer.
”’F’ is for Fuck Baby”
11/8/05 9:52
“Hey Crispin! Crispin. Hey, Cr- You know what my biggest FEAR is? That I’ll forget I’m doing one of my VOICES to the operator! It’s like, I’ll be acting some like big FAT guy, and then I’ll sound TOTALLY DIFFERENT! ehehehe!”
From the Editors: One must be fully acquainted with just how horrible greg’s “voices” actually are in order to fully capture the last post. At no point in his attempts at ventrilloquism is there a distinguishable change in the pitch, tone, or volume of what he’s saying. Indeed, he is possibly the worst voice-disguiser ever known, and any operator would assuredly find it deeply insulting to his or her intelligence that greg presumed that he was actually fooling them.
Followup: “Crispin, do you think my voices are GOOD, or are they cheesy and dumb?” crispin: “um… no, they’re… good.” greg: “some day I’ll take some PO and CALL IN and see if I can FOOL you!” 11/09/05 10:00 a.m. says:
I hope that Crispin records that conversation says:
I’d pay him money to
Brendan says:
yeah, i pray that day comes soon
Grand Finale: Upon walking from Richard’s office, Brendan sees greg huddled in the corner of adam’s office like a potato bug whose log has just been lifted. moments later, he bursts forth: “GOTCHA! GOTCHA-GOTCHA-GOTCHA! GOTCHA-GOTCHA! That was ME! ehehehe! This voice stuff is really important. Oh, come on, don’t take it away from me – I fooled you! Ok, so what if you’re transferring everybody to jeff, no questions asked? The point is, I fooled you! GOTCHA!” moments later, greg sits down and ask for a name with a voice best described as the most terrible darth vader impersonation ever attempted. Entire office cracks up. Plans are hatched to fool greg.
“We’ll touch tomorrow” hanging up the phone… “Touch Tomorrow? GOD! I’ve been living in San Francisco too long!”
11/08/05 1:59PM
After greg’s fourteenth consecutive attempt to say “LEE KWATCH” in an automated voice system, both Jeff and Brendan simultaneously burst out with “I CAN’T TAKE IT!” 11/08/05 4:00 p.m.
While explaining to him our folder organization, he interrupts me and says: “Oh I know all about it.”...15 minutes later… “No one ever told me about these folders”... I explained the folders should be put away unless they are being used saying “I have a couple of folders that I use on a day to day basis..” he interrupts saying “yeah so do I”... knowing he’s full of shit, I ask “What do you use them for?” he blanks and says “Uhh nothing…”
11/9/05 11:19 AM
Greg asked “What’s the funniest name you’ve ever heard?”
Crispin: “Lisa Blos-Johnson”
Greg’s response: “Oh my GOD! What was she thinking? Oh my GOD! That’s the worst name EVER! THAT’s the worst NAME ever! Oh my GOD! You’re pulling my leg. Incredible. God. GOD! Incredible.”
11/10/05 11:05 AM (From the editors: greg immediately afterward jumped on the phone and began to speak excitedly in spanish while giggling like a schoolgirl. This quite possibly indicates that he called his wife about said name)
Minutes Later:
Greg(to Crispin) “If you ever talk to Lisa again you should tell her that you saw her name in the stall of a men’s bathroom… That was unprofessional… But I’m feeling silly today.”
“Well, using my voice techniques, I can always get through, but…” collective scoff heard throughout office. 11/10/05 11:11 a.m.
Gregslist by the Numbers
Number of “BA in Latin American Studies”: 16
Number of years spent attaining said BA in Latin American Studies: 7
Number of “Have you heard of Baker and McKenzie?”: 5
Number of “I collect SOFTWARE like some people collect STAMPS!!”: 4
Tally: Number of times Greg’s wife hangs up on him, and ostensibly for what reason:
11/10/05, 2:45 p.m.: two hangups in under one minute. greg had been attempting to teach her enough english to interview their child’s caretaker. “DO-YOU-HAVE-A-LICENSE?” moments, later, there’s a call, possibly from the police: “uh huh… uh huh… can you put my wife back on the phone? uh huh… non, amor! non, amor!!!” “My wife, who barely speaks english, is talking to our daycare provider, who’s arabic, and barely speaks english! ehehehehe!”
Tally: Names that the autodialer cannot accept, that we hear in our fucking sleep:
Tally: Outright Lies
“No, no, that photo’s fake. I can tell a fake photo. That’s a healthy breast. If the area around the aereola was really that infected, it would be much more red.”
“Damn I’m good! I’m just a natural-born SCHMOOZER.”
“I’m sorry, I’ll inform my receptionist.”
“I’m from P.E.R. Resources.”
“I did the research for this project about a MONTH ago, so I don’t recall SPECIFICALLY, but I generally look at TRADE shows, PATENT registrations, and sometimes it’s just on the INTERNET, I use GOOGLE and LISTINGS. It’s nothing cloak and DAGGER. I’m not GOING THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE! eheheheheh!”
“You know, STATISTICALLY, people who are happy at the jobs make the best employees.”
“you know, I could put you in my ROLODEX and help you find your DREAM JOB. I’ve done it before!”
“It’s pretty difficult to pull my leg.”
“I can be a pretty good resource for you.”
End Section
“Humor is like FIRE…you’ve got to use it REALLY carefully!”
11/10/05 4:09 p.m.
11/10/05, 4:37 p.m.: “I’m so good I give myself a woody.”
“Jeff, I brought in that Japanese movie, ‘Realm of the Senses.’ it’s not “Porno,” so to speak, but it was banned in Japan. VERY, VERY EXPLICIT. Very strange, TWISTED. DISTURBING. my wife really, really liked it, but I found it too weird. REALM OF THE SENSES. Hey, Jeff, you want to double up on a Baby Einstein?” 11/11/05 8:30 a.m. Update: Movie turns out to be complete, hardcore Japanese porn.
Greg says
if you want real entertainment, get a copy of “realm of the senses” in one scene the guy puts a hardboilded egg in a whores pussy, makes her lay it like a hen and then eats it.
Greg says
no special effects, the real deal
Brendan says
sweet mother of jesus
Greg says
it starts slowly and gradually works its way up to very twisted.
Greg says
strangest of all is that it is based on a true story of a 16 year old prostitute in 1930’s japan
Greg says
honest injun
(Later greg will proceed to act out this scene, in detail, in the middle of the office, squatting and grunted in order to birth his egg.)
More on “Realm of the Senses:” “It’s not TRIPLE X, it’s more like SINGLE X. I mean, he’ll be doing her DOGGY style, but it won’t show the PENIS. She’ll be SUCKING HIM OFF, and it will show the cum dripping out of her MOUTH. So it’s more like SINGLE X. Then, at the end, it gets truly weird, but I don’t want to give any spoilers…” Rich, Jeff, and Brendan assure Greg that they will not be watching the film. “Well, at the end, they get into STRANGULATION and BEATING each other, and, finally, he wants her to STRANGLE him to death, so she DOES it, then she cuts off his PENIS and, three days later, she’s found walking around Japan with the penis in her HAND, just GLOWING!” everyone stares, agape. 11/11/05 1:15-30 p.m.
Twisted Sexual Fantasies
“I mean, all the MORMONS have to do is bring back POLYGAMY. I’ve been thinking about converting to ISLAM. I mean, my wife said she’d be fine with it as long as she got to be the HEAD WIFE who bossed all the others around… but I don’t think the typical islamic man engages in the types of NIGHTLY ORGIES that I would be having… I mean, it wouldn’t be ONE WIFE A NIGHT! ehehehe! I mean, you need to go to CHEE-LAY, where the consent age is 12, which is a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” (holds up fingers to indicate extremely small amount) “iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle too young for my taste. I mean, you go to America, and these are WOMEN. I mean, you could be at a BAR and have sex with a 17 YEAR OLD with a FAKE ID. and you could go to JAIL.” (jeff and brendan staring at each other, not knowing how to react). “I mean, these women have BREASTS.” Jeff’s reaction, as he walks away: “Jesus Christ!” 11/11/05 12:30-45 p.m.
Follow up: Jeff, pantomiming, as greg audibly talks to his landlord about problems with the buzzer: “I’m sorry, young children are trying to get to my house so I can have sex with them, and the gate doesn’t open, so they can’t get in. Please rectify this situation.” 11/11/05 12:51 p.m.
“Here’s one for the WEIRD NAME archive… ‘Ed Six.’ What made me laugh was, if he has a kid, will his name be ED SEVEN?! EHEHEHE! Maybe he’s a CLONE!” 11/11/05 3:45 p.m. (He’ll be here all week, folks)
Picking up the phone: “Oh Hello Penny! I’ve been calling you all week. I’d been hoping you were out at the Opera! EHEHEHEEHEEH!” the conversation somehow continues with rambling about how great Opera’s are(although I doubt Greg has ever seen an Opera). The conversation ends with him saying… “You really should go to the Opera.” You can almost hear the sophistication dripping from his lips.
11/15/05 9:00 AM
While talking to an vetran of the US armed services he uttered this tactful comment: “So you are a Battle Scarred Veteran? EHEHEHEEEHEEE” Note: (Battle Scarred Veteran is a commonly used term in role playing fantasy games such as Dungeons and Dragons)
11/15/05 10:00 AM
“I dated a hick once.”
11/15/05 11:00 AM
“I’m playing video games at 37 and I’ll STILL be playing video games when I’m 60.”
11/15/05 12:19 PM
Trying to remember the name of a Sega Dreamcast fighting game: “You know, it had some typical ‘Jap’ typed names.”
11/15/05 1:45 PM
“Never say Die. I called the guy 25 times, Never say Die.”
11/15/05 2:45 PM
“I just asked for LONG. But before I asked for DONG….” rambling about names… “Somebody could be named LONG DONG!!!”
11/16/05 10:04 AM
(On the phone with British client) “So, how’s the WEATHER out there? Well, you know, we’re in the middle of a HEAT wave. Are… are English people still familiar with the FARENHEIT system? It’s… yes… It’s about 70 degrees FARENHEIT out here. You know the old saying… have you ever heard of the… poet… Samuel Clemens? Who also went by the name Mark TWAIN? he said “the coldest winter i ever spent was a summer in San Francisco! eheheheheh!” (a bit later) “Nothing cloak and dagger. I’m not talking to your PSYCHOTHERAPIST! eheheheh! that doesn’t answer your question, does it?” 11/17/05 8:45-8:55 a.m.
Jeff, in the background, clearly disgusted with greg’s disastrous attempts at wit: “what is this, one of those gameshows where you have to include certain phrases in order to win? what’s left to say? next thing you know, he’ll be talking about ‘Realm of the Senses.’ he gets a prize if he uses the term ‘sucks him off.’ Then i will bow down to the gods.”
(Having just left a message for his Yemeni childcare person where he told her there was no holiday tomorrow) “I’m not giving religious holidays. No way. Pretty soon I’ll be giving the whole damn YEAR off! I mean, what is tomorrow, the ‘Feast… of…JUJUBEB?’ ehehehe. I mean, what is it… Ramadan? ehehehe. No WAY she’s getting MUSLIM holidays off. I’m an ATHEIST. I HATE religion. No religious holidays.” 11/17/05 9:05 a.m.
when asked if he would give christmas off: “Oh I LOVE Christmas. But it’s more of a WINTER holiday. I mean, Christians stole that day from PAGANS. I mean, christians put it there to take away from that JEWISH holiday CHANUKAH.”
“WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA.” (waits for someone to acknowledge him) “Heidi FLEISS… was charging $10,000 per NIGHT. I mean, I’d sell my own WIFE for $10,000!” 11/17/05 12:23 p.m. (Apparently unaware that she’s been renting herself out free of charge down in chee-lay.)
(on phone with client) “Ask you any question? Ok, what’s the capital of Uzbekistan! EHEHEH! Well, you said ask you any question! EHEHEH!” 11/18/05 9:41 a.m.
Classic Gregslist Moment
Rich says:
On the walk back from lunch Gregg confided in me that his home computer which he personally built as a labor of love is affectionately named Red Death
“Man my wife makes all the decisions. She picks out my clothes. Takes care of the finances. It’s just like living with mom”
11/18/05 1:30 PM
Our boss responded saying: “Greg I think we know more about your life than the entire rest of the staff combined”
11/18/05 1:31 PM
I had to go buy a prepaid cellphone for a project we are working on and Greg accompanied me on the venture. He regailed me with stories he’s already told, as we chose from the blood-sucking telecommuncation whores. The gregslist moment occured when Greg realized he could make up the name on the account. He settled on Colonel Long Dong. Realize that we are buying these phone in order to call into another company to provide anonymity. We are going to make lots of calls into a company and we didn’t want our company name to show up on the caller ID. Instead, Greg chose a name that would immediately smack as fraudulent even before he tries to bullshit them with his clever voice manipulation techniques. He has been Guffawing about it for the past 20 minutes. Repeatedly telling everyone in the office as they reach earshot.
1 minute after making masterbatory motions with his right hand(in reference to a cleavage shot of a 14 year old female character Hermoine from the Harry Potter films): “I’m a pervert, not a pedophile.”
11/18/05 4:37 PM
Me talking to Adam: “Bush is an idiot.”
Greg butting in: “What are you guys talking about? You just realized Bush is an idiot? EHEHEHE”
Me: “Yes greg, I just realized. Thanks.”
11/21/05 8:37 AM
During a meeting with R-Dub the CEO as I walk in I’m greeted with:
Richard: “You need to get a grip.”
Greg: “Why?”
Richard: “All the noise. It’s loud.”
11/21/05 12:03 PM
Greg: “Are you going to use your e-mail for this project?” before I could respond he interjected “Because I don’t know….”
seconds elapse and I begin to respond “Yea—” when I’m interrupted with “I don’t know how….” (I pausewhile he tries to think of the next word seconds elapse until I start to respond) “Yea—” He re-interrupts(is this a word?!, or did I just have to make up a word to describe gregs actions…) “I don’t know how… umm… I can’t even think right now….” I finally answer “Yes. I’m going to use my e-mail for this project.”
11/21/05 2:15 PM
“I’m pretty saavy. It’s pretty hard to pull my leg….. If he’s a bullshitter, he’s at the top 10% of the world.”
11/21/05 2:20 PM
“Ooohhhhhhh. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. At least it’s not a violent crime. Uh heh. Uh heh. Right Right Right. Yeah… But something this important can’t be missed…” Telling our client about a prospective candidate with a criminal drug history. This is retarded for a lot of reasons… Jesus…
11/21/05 2:20 PM
“I take it from your accent you’re from the UK? No? Hmmm…Australia perhaps? No? Hmmm…How far off am I?”
11/21/05 2:45 PM
I just realized that when Greg asks me a question, it isn’t because he wants to hear the answer, he just wants someone else to listen to his voice. He constantly interrupts my responses to his questions by rephrasing his original question. It takes minutes to answer a yes or no question. Fuck it’s annoying.
“I like that, right to the point.” Yes Greg, most people do like it when you get to the point.
11/22/05 8:13 AM
Greg says:
Greg says:
Sexual molestation. Shit, I had fantasies about women like this when I was 14
Greg says:
not bad looking
Greg says:
I used to jerk off to bra ads in macy’s catalogs with women who looked like her when I was 14.
Greg and the magical underage hookers of the santiago slums
by GregX
Twas the day before Thanksgiving,
And all through the office,
All creatures were slacking
And dodging their bosses.
As we frollicked and cleaned
each last nook and cranny,
greg opted to speak of cheap hookers and trannies.
at night down in chee-lay, whilst the moon was a cresent,
his brother once searched for a cheap adolescent.
he searched through the alleys, he checked at the dump,
Many pesos he’d pay if their tits were mere bumps.
Addressing a group of fine lovely young “lasses”
He asked in some spanglish ‘how much for your asses?’
His night of great fun then met with malaise
when soon he discovered their hairy cohonais.
Defeated and home, he hoped for redress,
But was met at the door by the Chilean IRS.
And so did this tale a moral dispense us:
‘Tis smarter to stick to ‘Realm of the Senses.’
Chapter One: “Now, first, you look for the HEIGHT. A woman with YOUR height? That’s a DUDE. And they can’t really get rid of that five o’clock SHADOW. It’s easy for a man to TELL.”
Chapter Two: “Down in CHEE-lay, the hookers are CHEAP. And they’re HOT. and they’re YOUNG. But, the best hookers, those are the ones you CALL. my brother, you know, wanted a hooker. But he didn’t have a place to go. So he was gonna get a STREET HOOKER. Now, at the time, he didn’t speak SPANISH. So I gave him a bunch of NOTE CARDS with phrases like ‘how much do you COST’ and ‘do you have a place to GO.’ And one of the phrases was ‘are you a WOMAN,’ because there are a lot of transvestite hookers down there. So he goes up to a group of hookers, and he asks them ‘are any of you WOMEN.’ and they go, ‘NO.’ and the guy points around the group, ‘MR., MR., MR., MR., MR.’ ehehehehe.”
Epilogue: “now THAT’S a mistake you don’t want to make! ehehehe!”
Stay tuned next week for more of ‘Greg’s Adventures with the underage hookers of chee-lay.” 11/23/05 11:25-11:30 a.m.
“People love me.”
11/28/05 8:00 AM
“I can use my Krusty the Klown voice to get around the operator, but I’d prefer not to.”
11/28/05 9:00 AM
“I’m great at parties.”
11/28/05 9:32 AM
On phone with candidate: “Do you have any experience with the FAS 109? No? Actually I don’t know either. It’s kind of embarrassing…. I don’t know what a lot of these things mean.”
11/28/05 9:38 AM
“Horseplay leads to tears.”
11/28/05 2:50 PM
“He’s got 3 P’s in his name. THAT’S A LOT OF PEE.” Utter silence follows, wincing ensues. Then Adam, feeling the awkwardness makes the ba-dum-bump sound to acknowledge Greg’s comment. Greg exclaims “At least someone notices my humor!” Note: It would be impossible not to notice Greg when he talks.
If he only knew how much humor we saw in him.
11/29/05 3:00 PM
“I’m probably not the only man in this city whose ass is hurting.”
11/29/05 2:00 PM
Intro: Jeff taps on Greg’s cubicle to draw his attention to the red banana Jeff is dangling in front of his crotch. Greg’s response: “It looks like a Japanese penis!”
11/29/05 4:30 PM
“I broke my tailbone climbing the Andes.”
11/30/05 8:30 AM
“Safe sex for me means don’t have any kids! EHEHEHEHEHE.”
11/30/05 10:08 AM
“You should be a plastic surgeon…You can meet women with big tits!” – Reminder: Greg is 37 years old, married and a father of one.
12/01/05 8:28 AM
“Happy AIDS Day.”
12/01/05 12:55 PM
On living in the Tenderloin: “Instead of stopping to smell the roses, you stop and smell the urine!”
12/01/05 1:15 PM
“I’m a resource.”
12/2/05 10:45 AM
“In my next life, I hope to be a producer of pornography.”
12/02/05 2:15 PM
RICHARD (rhetorically to the lunch table): Do you know of anyone who says they get enough sex?
GREG: I do!
(collective wince around the table)
12/02/05 2:17 PM
On the topic of Jeff’s new scooter: “Wow, I should get one of these. I mean, my walk to work is mostly on a downhill slope.”
Jeff: “Well, you can’t go downhill both ways.”
Greg: “Is that true? Are you sure? There’s got to be a way!”
Jeff: “It’s a joke. It’s an old joke. You clearly can’t go downhill both ways.”
Greg: “Oh i bet you could. You know… if the sidewalk was MECHANIZED, you know, and the slope was CHANGED throughout the day.” (says this with a serious and rather inquisitive air).
Jeff: “yeah… ok… i suppose.” Everyone has a good laugh once greg leaves the office for one of his 27 daily bathroom trips.
On the phone with a man he’s never met, who he knows nothing about, who he’s attempting to profile: “What’s your dream job, and I don’t mean Playboy photographer?”
12/06/05 1:50 PM
On the phone with candidate: “I’ve talked to a lot worse people than you before.”
12/06/05 1:20 PM
“If I work here as long as you guys, will I get to be as cool as you guys?” Resounding NOs erupt from around the office.
12/6/05 2:45 PM
(Following a comment about Rich buying him prophylactics at Walgreen’s):
Richard: “You give out too much information.”
Greg: “EHEHEH! Well… you’ve got to GIVE OUT information to GET information!”
Richard: “No you don’t.”
Greg: ”....” 12/8/05 9:00 a.m.
(After at least ten minutes of phlegmy coughing from greg)
Brendan says:
please let him be choking to death…
Adam says:
i think he’s dying
Adam says:
god i feel badly that i wish he was
12/8/05 3:30-40 p.m.
“I love that name – Velvet Mines… Sound like a PORN star! Try to PLUNGE into the VELVET MINES! EHEHEHE! Well, JEFF’S not here today – he not trying to… poke a red banana… through his shorts! EHEHEH!” 12/8/05 3:57 p.m.
“Just to put you on the relax…”
4:35 P.M.
I had an amazing revelation this morning. Right as I sat down at my desk he approached me and began talking to me. He told me 1 piece of new information and then proceeded to repeat a discussion we had had yesterday. As he RE-Reiterated his previous position, I looked away, grabbed my cup and left as he continued to talk. It worked! Why hadn’t I ever thought of this before? Just walk away…
We had a deadline for data entry at 4:00. We were notified about this at 11:00AM. At about 3:15 I talked to Greg about something unrelated and he said: “I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish by 4 o’clock. I might need your help.”
Me: “Well, next time we’ll give you more notification time. How much time do you need?”
Greg: (No answer to my question)”It’s not that, it’s just that with new profiling projects it takes me longer to learn the terms, I have to listen to the conversations over again before I do data entry.”
Me: “Ok, How much notification time do you need?”
Greg: (No answer to my question)”Well, I have to review the conversation I recorded, and check all the infromation. I have to make sure I have it right.”
Me: “Ok. How much time do you need? More than an hour? Two hours?”
Greg: (No answer to my question) “I’ll get it entered…”
At this point I am, once again, dumbfounded as to what to say. Using the word ‘blank’ to describe my stare back at him doesn’t do my demeanor justice.
Greg: “Uhh. I’m just messing with you.” Thanks greg, thanks.
“It’s not like one of those hiccups that won’t go away for a HALF HOUR and makes you want to SLIT YOUR OWN THROAT! I mean, have you ever had a case of hiccups like that, where you drink water and STAND ON YOUR HEAD!” No, Greg, we haven’t had these things you call “hiccups” before. Thank you for enlightening us. Jackoff. 12/12/05 11:52 a.m.
Greg: “How was your weekend?”
Jeff: “Well, we had a couple christmas parties to go to, so…”
Jeff: “Yeah, you know… Christmas parties.”
Greg: “Um…”
Jeff: “People have them at their homes. There’s food, and wine, and beer. You play cards, and talk. There are hors d’ouvres.”
Greg: “Oh. Uh… I understand. So… there are no kids there or anything? It doesn’t interfere with the family celebration?”
From the Editors: There was no evident facetiousness or attempts at humor involved in greg’s incredulity over the term “Christmas Party.” It was clearly evident to all who overheard that, a) Greg is not exactly a hit on the holiday-celebration circuit, and b) based upon the amount of TV he watches and factoring in the patronizing pop-culture anecdotes he constantly barrages us with, he’s a complete fucking retard. 12/12/05 12:51 p.m.
“This one looks like a TIT!” referring to a chocolate. 12/12/05 3:35 p.m.
On the phone with a potential profilee, describing the advantages of working from home: “You can do this job in your underwear!”
Later in the same conversation, now talking about the joys of fatherhood: “There might be some little Gregs running around, I can’t be sure! Heeheeheehee!!!”
12/13/05 3:32 P.M.
“Yeah, when i was young, I used to do a lot of ‘DUMPSTER diving.’ you guys have never been DUMPSTER DIVING?! You know, it’s when you root through people’s dumpster’s. Yeah, in my early days as a software pirate, when email was still text based, I used to go down to game companies and open up their dumpsters and get in them. I mean, there’s no DIAPERS in there! ehehe! It’s mostly cardboard. So I used to open up BOXES and find GAMES. like PRINCE OF PERSIA. You know, the old platform games.” 12/13/05 4:36 p.m.
In a meeting with the CEO:
RW: ”...And Greg, you have to do something about the pauses when your on the phone and you pause to write stuff down.”
Greg: “Well I try to get everything down.”(even though he records every call and can review them at his leisure, he still has to pause during the conversation and make the candidate wait as he writes things down).
RW: “Really though, it’s like that guy, you know, ‘Tookie’ who just got executed. It took them 11 minutes to insert the IV into his vein. They just kept poking at him. It was excruciating. Just like those pauses in the conversation.”
It took every ounce of my resolve not to burst into laughter.
12/14/05 9:13 AM
Greg says:
I thought you told me you had no plans for the weekend. Are you afraid to show your feminine side and admit that you were going to the ballet ; ) 12/16/05 10:00 a.m.
Shall I compare Greg to a summer’s douche?
He is far less lovely and more oderous.
Rough sex does shake his crazy wife’s Cooch
And his lease is in area murderous.
Sometime too hot the talk of kiddy porn rings
And often is his bald complexion shining
And every fair opportunity he brings
By chance, films of eggs in vaginings.
But his eternal talk of Chee-lay shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that Japanese smut,
Nor more than three profiles will he have made
When in eternal lines (his wife is a slut).
So long as we can work, or eyes can see,
So long lives greg, so please kill me.
“I sound so sweet on the phone, its hard to believe how demonic and evil and sexuallty twisted I really am.” 12/16/05 12:15 p.m., as reported by Rich
“Ah, I love Journey. Bring me back.”
Jeff: “Bring you back to your pedophile days? Oh wait, those are now. Brings you back to your youthful pedophile days? When you liked people your own age? You were youth fondling youth.” 12/16/05 1:52 p.m.
””You know, I know this sounds SEXIST, but I can’t read books by WOMEN. They just don’t have the FIRE and the PASSION. I just can’t believe the male CHARACTERS they write. I just don’t believe that they truly know what men are FEELING.” 12/22/05 7:55 a.m.
Greg says:
thanx for the testimonials, some of them were truley funny
Brendan says:
yeah, the “kissing pee-pee” one was particularly good
Greg says:
yeah that was my favorite.
Greg says:
I bet my daughter tries that one someday, but I wont get embarrassed.
Brendan says:
no, but your wife sure will be
Brendan says:
plus, you may be a bit disconcerted that your daughter saw you engaging in such acts
Greg says:
my wife is pretty immune. A true story, and if you tell anyone I will have to kill you:
Brendan says:
mum’s the word!
Greg says:
My wife was going through customs with a large rubber vibrator that I bought her to keep her happy while I was working 2 weeks a month at a copper mine. While in customs I guess the thing started to vibrate and they made a big scene and pulled it out of the bag in front of everyone. It didn’t phase her.
On the phone with a profile: “I’ve got the brain of a chicken and my organizational skills would make a 17th century monk cry.”
12/17/05 3 P.M.
“I’ve had sex with at least two dozen women I met over the Internet. My handle is Goyo el Burro – Greg the Donkey.”
12/22/05 1:30 P.M.
Richard to Greg:”If I ever hear you say yeah-yeah-yeah on the phone again, I swear I’m going to punch you.”
12/22/05 10 A.M.
“She was hurtin’ for a squirtin’.”
1/04/06 3:45 P.M.
“Maybe if I just touch myself under my desk.” 01/06/06 9:24 a.m. responding to Jeff’s suggestion that he “role play” for his feminine (and attrocious) “eunuch voice” by wearing wigs and dressing like a woman.
Transcript: Greg’s office email & Attachment
“I originally meant this for Jeff (who has a sense of humor as twisted as my own), but I thought the rest of you might get a kick out of it.” (.gif file attached, labeled ‘man nectar’)
Contents of File ‘man nectar’:
Three-panel comic strip portrays man, drawn in 1950’s classic comicbook fashion, wearing strange suit, visibly perspiring, and conversing with offstage woman:
woman: “It’s 90 degrees, Ted… and you’re wearing that outfit to do yard work? I thought you got rid of that body fluid harvesting suit last summer after drinking from it made you ill”
man:”I Modified it, Honey. Now the harvested sweat and excretions are triple-filtered.”
Next panel:
woman: “So now it doesn’t make you sick to your stomach when you drink the recycled fluid?
man: “Uh, I wouldn’t make that claim, exactly.”
Next Panel
man: “that’s why I added a high-speed fermentation unit, so at least now I’m roaring drunk while I chug my own foul, musky, repulsive juices.”
woman: “So… what’s with the chest spigot?”
man: “I call it the “honey spout.” To share my intoxicating man-nectar with others.”
gregs walks over to discuss the contents of the comic, reflecting that this “is their funniest comic of all” and that “it just really cracks me up that this guy wanted to drink his own musky, intoxicating juices.” In one of his typical, pathetic attempts to win jeff’s favor, he says “It’s really a me and Jeff thing. We get this kind of humor.”
No response from Jeff.
01/06/06 11:00 a.m.
“They must give them BLOWJOBS under the desk, or keep them TRANQUILIZED. Because NONE of them want to talk to me! I’ve NEVER had a company so unwilling to TALK!” 01/06/06 12:10 p.m.
After being hung up on by his wife, “Ah, Woman! That time of the month, again!” Apparently, “That time of the month” has lasted for 160 days straight. It’s a record, folks.
“Her WISDOM TEETH hurt! That can KILL you!” 01/06/06 1:08 p.m.
“Man, my wife’s friend is really OBNOXIOUS. She goes out to BARS and walks UP TO PEOPLE and says ‘GIVE ME SOME OF YOUR BEER!’ And if they say ‘No!’ she starts fucking with them” (makes some ‘chest bumping’ motions) “and start FIGHTS with them. She takes off her belt and starts WHIPPING IT around her HEAD!” (performs this as well). “It’s CRAZY!” 01/06/06 3:03 p.m.
“Oh, yeah, my wife’s got some FINE friends. Her one friend has TITS the size of Rich’s HEAD. EACH ONE. EACH TIT! When she walks it’s like two pigs WRESTLING under a BLANKET!” 01/06/06 3:07 p.m.
“Cock-suckers…. I hate them.”
1/06/05 3:30 PM
“I don’t want to waste your TIME, but what’s the difference between HORTICULTURE and BOTANY?” 1/09/06 9:07 a.m. on phone with client
“So, they’ll call you at 10:30 on Friday, the Thirteenth. WHOA! Friday the 13th! Scary! EHEHEHEHEH!”
(To Joe, once off the phone): “This Friday is Friday the Thirteenth! OOOOOOOOOOOOO!” 1/10/06 9:33 a.m.
Regarding an operator who wouldn’t put Greg through:
“If you want me to be aggressive, I’ll be aggressive. I’ll tell here where to go and what to do when she gets there! But, it’s really a question of professionality.”
1/10/06 3:30 PM
“Actually, Teabagging goes back a long time. See I have this friend….”
1/11/06 11:30 AM
completely unsolicited Instant Message:
“Greg says:
Gilles de Rais, one of the wealthiest noblemen in France, is executed for heresy after he is found to have engaged in the kidnap, sodomization, and murder of 200 young boys from the lower classes. Rais enjoyed masturbating on the stomachs of the boys as they suffered excruciating deaths, sometimes also enjoying necrophilia with their corpses.” 1/13/06 2:12 p.m.
“I don’t know why they say Friday the 13th is so bad – I don’t know how a Friday could ever be bad! Oh… OH….What’s wrong… Oh, I’m sorry…” 1/13/06 2:53 p.m. _Another disastrous attempt at friendly banter. Jeff’s reply: “It could be, if you got hot karled!”
“Nubian God, is that what it stands for? eheheh….. Thanks Tisha!” 1/13/06 3:04 p.m. on phone with client Jeff responds, aghast: “NUBIAN GOD!” Greg: “That’s not odd.” Jeff: “YES IT’S ODD!” Greg: “You guys aren’t nearly as disgusting as I am.” Jeff: “OH, we know! we play in your shadow… WE ARE DWARVES AMONGST REDWOODS!”
“I worship at the Tower of Filth.” 1/13/06 3:05PM
“I guess I won’t get any BLOWJOBS this weekend! They say you can’t smoke – I guess that goes from SMOKIN’ POLE! I’ll put some OINTMENT on it! Ok, I’ll leave you guys with that.” 1/13/06 4:27 p.m. in regards to his wife having her wisdom teeth out today
“I don’t KNOW anything about the BROKERAGE industry… I know just enough to be DANGEROUS!” to client 1/17/06 8:42 a.m.
out of the corner of my eye I see greg approaching from the microwave. I’m in the middle of counting a long document. I cringe when he saddles up to desk, ready for what’s coming next: some utterly assanine comment that he hopes will engage me in a conversation in which he can spout off his patronizing analysis of everyday life “You KNOW…this soup is flavored CHICKEN. But since everything TASTES like chicken, you’ve got to wonder what they’re PUTTING in this stuff!” he waits for laughter. I neither look up nor acknowledge his comment. He turns and leaves. 1/18/06 12:20 p.m.
“Well, let’s see, four of us, two hookers… I guess that’s one end for each. But I don’t want to look Brendan in the FACE while I’m screwing her! I guess we’ll have to do the ‘sloppy seconds.’ Plus, I don’t have a CONDOM either, so I’ll have to use a SANDWICH BAG. Shake all the CRUMBS out of it!” after I made the critical mistake of saying ‘Richard’s gone for the day, I’ve ordered a couple hookers.’ 1/18/06 12:45 p.m.
“I don’t know… if some hot chick with huge tits asked me to pee on her, I’d do it.” 1/18/06 1:36 p.m.
“So I’m OBLIGATED to drink another beer? Ok, I don’t want to look the pussy.” 1/18/06 4:25 p.m
“It’s Greg, spelled with one ‘g’”
1/19/06 10:00AM
“MJ… Is that…MARY JANE? ehehe!” (no response from office) 1/19/06 2;23 p.m.
“Richard told me to read ‘How to Win Friends and INFLUENCE People,’ so I downloaded it illegally off WEBMULE.” 1/19/06 2:24 p.m.
“Hi, Mom, I’m STARVING and I have NO MONEY and NO FOOD. Could you come bring me some food?” 1/19/06 2:26 p.m. (he’s 37, folks) Soon after, Greg goes running out of the office. Five minutes later, he burts back in, begging for a “buy one wrap get one free” card.
“I’ll just tell him I grew bigger BALLS.” 1/20/06 12:25 p.m.
“When it comes to NUMBERS I’m DSYLEXIC. I always have to DOUBLE and TRIPLE check my WORK.” 1/20/06 12:27 p.m.
“My brother moved down there because he was really SHY. And Chilean women are easy to pick up. They like to say how they’re GOOD girls and how they won’t FUCK on the first date, but later that night you’re pinning them to the bed. Pin them in the front, pin them in the rear, pin them in the MOUTH.” 1/20/06 1:53 p.m.
“Oh I don’t even know HOW many illegitimate children I have around the world.” 1/20/06 1:54 p.m.
Greg yawns.
Loudest yawns I’ve ever heard.
Fucking obnoxious.
“All these LIQUIDS. I need to get a PORTO-POTTY by my desk. I’ll just WHIP IT OUT and piss right there at the desk!” 1/23/06 10:00 a.m.
“I never found Lady Di that attractive. But I’d do her. I’m a GUY. I’ll do anything with a hole between its legs.” 1/23/06 2:35 p.m.
“I love the word SCUZZY. It’s like, ‘Let me stick my SCUZZY harddrive in your PORT! Then… I’ll take out my FLOPPY!’” 1/23/06 3:48 p.m.
“Thanks for the JAP SNACKS!” 1/23/06 4:15 p.m. to Rich, who is half Korean, upon Rich giving him some Japanese crackers.
“I like your accent, by the way.” 1/24/06 11:48 a.m. to client
“I’d trade my LEFT NUT for it! Just my LEFT NUT… the right one’s MINE!” Following inquiries as to what will be the object of said nut trade: “The first seasons of Battlestar GALACTICA on DVD… It’s been at the top of my NETFLIX queu for MONTHS!” 1/24/06 3:30 p.m.
“What we NEED is a little bowl of METHAMPHETAMINE pills for after LUNCH.” 1/25/06 1:03 p.m.
Greg: “man, I came HOME last night at SEVEN and went to right to SLEEP with my CLOTHES on.”
Brendan: “Did you sleep right through until this morning?”
Greg: “Well, my WIFE woke me up at FOUR A.M. and RAPED me.”
Brendan: “Oh.” 1/26/06 8:07 a.m.
In a fit of excitement over Jeff paying attentioned to him “WE NEED TO HAVE THAT LUNCH SOMETIME! I’ll invite you over for a… can of RAVIOLIS… and you can… tell me about this side of the BUSINESS!” 1/26/06 11:55 a.m. particularly pathetic aspects of this conversation included Jeff’s blatant lack of enthusiasm for the idea, and the obvious fact that this offer has clearly been extended dozens of times.
“I used to sort of COLLECT that sort of stuff, but I’ve grown out of it. I’m too mature for that kind of stuff these days.” 1/26/06 12:48 p.m. talking about a video clip of a young woman being held by the ears and brutally skull-fucked until she vomits. Described by Greg as “The most brutal blow job he’s ever seen.”
“MAN, it’s so hard to have a FAMILY and WORK!” 1/26/06 4:34 p.m. number of children Jeff has: 3. Number of times Jeff has ever complained: 0
“There’s some piss and SHIT videos, there’s a clip of a woman getting fucked by a HORSE, there’s a woman jacking off a DOG and eating its CUM, there’s a NECROPHILIA video… There’s a full video of three pregnant women FUCKING THE SHIT out of each other, which is pretty MAINSTREAM. There’s a full-length ENEMA movie, you know, with some porn stars dressed up like NURSES… There’s a couple full-length videos, too, some ass-fucking. That’s all I could come up with LAST NIGHT. Give me some MORE time and I’ll get you some REALLY TWISTED stuff. Happy birthday!”
1/27/06 8:12 a.m.
From the editors: To get an idea of Greg’s taste for pornography, he did indeed refer to the full-length video of the pregnant women quote ‘fucking the shit out of each other’ as ‘mainstream.’ To be fair, he did mention that he thought the necrophilia clip was faked. This was said in a tone that can be best described as ‘lament.’
“But isn’t that dangerous?”
“No, I fucked my wife when SHE was pregnant.” 1/27/06 8:13 a.m.
Gregslist Classic Image:
Greg, in the conference room with the door closed, is viewed with his back turned He can be seen, but not heard, with his mouth moving a mile a minute and his hands flailing, as if miming a deranged pervert. the look of absolute horror on the face of Janet Chao speaks volumes.
“Hey RICH… how much do you think my WIFE weights?” 1/27/06 10:57 a.m.
“You mean you’ve never drank your wife’s BREAST MILK?” 1/27/06 2:00 p.m.
“Any of you guys SHAVE your CHESTS?” 1/27/06 2:10 p.m.
“Hey, things could be WORSE. I mean, I’m 37 and married to a 23 year old NYMPHOMANIAC.” 1/27/06 2:30 p.m.
“Drugs are for KIDS.” 1/30/06 8:36 a.m. clearly trying to impress Richard with his class and worldly perspective…
When looking through a bunch of a co-workers DVDs: “My daughter will love Chicken Run. It’s got Chickens in it.”
Greg says:
we are like a Corporate Mercenary Task force. Working for one side and then the other, leaving bloody bodies and the cries of lamenting women behind us!!!!
Greg says:
sorry I got carried away
Brendan says:
you’re insane
Greg says:
I prefer eccentric
Brendan says:
there’s a fine line between eccentric and insane. you crossed that line long ago.
Greg says:
come on in, the waters fine….
1/31/06 8:42 a.m.
“Unforunately, Suckle went out of business… I guess they SUCKED! eheheheh!” 1/31/06 2:04 p.m.
First words spoken to me this morning:
“I just had my last TEABAG.”
Minutes later making an order for more tea:
“Just get me any kind of tea. You know, black tea, white tea, TIT-TEA!!!” 2/1/06 8:30 AM
“Rich, if i paid you FIVE THOUSAND BUCKS, would you suck a dog’s DICK?” 2/2/06 2:25 p.m.
Greg: “I mean, you can’t pay someone ENOUGH to have sex with dogs. They have to WANT TO.”
Brendan: “Well, I think 90% on the women in pornography in general are either drug addicts or were sexually abused as children, so we should help them deal with their problems, instead of having them have sex with dogs.”
Greg: “I think 90% of the women I’ve known in my LIFE were either drug addicts or sexually abused!” 2/2/06 2:27 p.m.
to Jeff, explaining how persistent he is:
“Someone can tell me, ‘Hey! go suck a donkey’s DICK,’ and I’ll call them back! I’ll do it!” 02/02/06 4:04 p.m.
“Hey, Greg, check out this name – Desiree Armbuster!”
“That’s a pretty common name, I think.”
“ArmBREWSTER. I think the common name is ArmBREWSTER.” 2/2/06 4:22 p.m.
“It makes me feel GOOD to get a profile. It makes me feel COOL. I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and… WAIT, doesn’t that song say GAY! Well, I’m not going to go THAT FAR! When did GAY stop meaning HAPPY?” he’ll suggest we fallaciate canines, but won’t say the word ‘gay’ in the context of a popular song. Complicated fellow. 2/2/06 4:41 p.m.
“You’re gonna LOVE Deadwood, Rich. It’s like ‘The Sopranos’ in the Old West, but more VIOLENT. It’s got blood, actions, and SEX. LOTS OF SEX. It shows EVERYTHING. It’s more like softcore PORN. It shows DICK. It shows lots of DICK. It’s like, a guy runs out, buck-naked, and says ‘BRING ON THE PUSSY!’” this last part was reenacted, as Greg jumped out from behind the cubical wall and thrusted his crotch outward, legs splayed to either side as if riding a large horse. After several thrusts, he returned to normal position. 2/3/06 9:21 a.m.
“You know, I like punk too. Bands like Devo.”
2/3/06 2:15 PM
Jeff, inventing a punk band in order to mock both Greg’s lack of punk knowledge, and his sick beastiality perversions:
“How about… Rick James and the Donkey Punchers?”
Greg: “I saw them LIVE, once.” 2/3/06 2:20 p.m.
“Uh, Greg, that email you sent us about the Chinese New Year didn’t have any information in it.”
“OH, I HATE it when I do that! ehehehe. I’ll RESEND it. Oh, come on, you can’t tell me I’m the only one who DOES that! I mean, we ALL say stuff like that. The check’s in the MAIL… I’m not gonna cum in your MOUTH.” 2/10/06 9:24 a.m.
“We get a discount if you do table dancing, so get ready.”
“Do I have to show my PENIS?”
“If you do, make sure to tell us, so we’ll look away.”
“I’ll have to go to the BATHROOM to get myself READY first. I’ll come out, it’ll be all PURPLE and HARD.” 2/10/06 9:27 a.m.
“My ancestor could have RAPED his ancestor, and we could be RELATED!” 2/10/06 12:41 p.m.
“I have this FANTASY that my GREAT-GRANDMOTHER was a DOCK PROSTIUTE, and my GREAT-GRANDFATHER was a PIRATE. Isn’t that cool?” 2/10/06 12:41 p.m.
“They didn’t have CONDOMS. All they could do is PULL OUT.” 2/10/06 12:44 p.m.
“If your family goes back 200 years, you have AFRICAN BLOOD. I mean, banging the slaves was a SPORT. I’d do it!” 2/10/06 12:45 p.m.
Walks into the office. Immediately walks into Richard’s office, and, in a volume that’s about 150 decibles louder than is socially acceptable for a monday morning, shouts: “HAVE YOU SEEN ‘THE MACHINIST?’ RENT IT. PUT IT ON YOUR NETFLIX QUEU. TRUST ME. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. YOU’LL LOVE IT. IT’S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY. TRUST ME. TRUUUUUUUUUST ME.” 2/13/06 8:00 a.m.
“NOBODY likes a girl with too much RUG.” 2/14/06 2:45 p.m.
“I had a GIRLFRIEND once whose pubes stuck out the sides of her UNDERWEAR. she thought it was SEXY. I had to take care of THAT.” Office left wondering, what was greg doing with a girl old enough to have pubes?
“Well, she’s on the rag, so maybe I’ll get HEAD.” 2/14/06 4:01 p.m.
Greg says:
The only statue I need with women is between my legs
2/16/06 8:44 a.m.
Greg says:
I used to have the definitive tome of English Grammar- Michael Swans “Practical Engilsh Usage” it cost $60 in softcover and was almost 1000 pages. My bitch ex-partner who screwed me over and stole my business got it, along with my notebook computer, most of my clients and about $3k that she owed me.
Greg says:
sorry I got a little off track
Brendan says:
what happened?
Greg says:
LONG story. My resume, while not exactly a lie, does not mention this soap opera drama. Instead I listed that I worked with my new partner for the time I worked with this theiving hag…
Brendan says:
interesting – you’ll have to give me the details at some time
Greg says:
sometime I will come clean. Richard doesn’t know about it. I didn’t feel it was appropriate to detail it in my resume, so I listed that I worked for a new partner that I formed up with afterwards for the entire stretch. I should probably tell him about it someday. Maybe over lunch sometime I can give you all the sordid details.
Greg says:
although I still owe you the story of how I almost died with my mountain guide on the second highest peak in the venezualan Andes in the middle of a blizzard.
Brendan says:
that, too, should be told
Greg says:
Shit I have enough material for a string of lunches. Some of my stories, however get into the x rated area… Still good stories though.
2/16/06 10:26 a.m.
“Kids are cute so you don’t KILL THEM.” 2/16/06 10:28 a.m.
Richard: “Greg, did you make any porn films when you where in Chee-lay?” 2/16/06 10:46 a.m.
“You can have tits, and MEAT between your LEGS.” 2/17/06 11:56
“If you seek transexuals, does that mean you’re gay? becuase if you’re GAY, then why would you want TITS?! Transexuals are very CONFUSED. They’re not straight. They’re not GAY. They just have a HOLE.” 2/17/06 11:58 a.m.
“Oh DAMN I forgot to bring in GIRLS and DOGS. You know, it’s INTERESTING. They actually hold the DICK backwards, so the dog’s not actually FUCKING THEM. It’s not actual SEX. It’s just pure chicks suckin’ DOG DICK. I’ll tell you, if you go out with a woman who’ll fuck a DOG, she’ll do just about ANYTHING. If she’ll SUCK A DOG’S DICK, she’s WILD. She’s a KEEPER. 2/17/06 12:00 p.m.
“GOD DAMN IT! Speak SPANISH! THIS IS CALIFORNIA! NOT…GOOKLAND! DON’T SPEAK VIETNAMESE AND CHINESE!” 2/17/06 1:50 p.m. He’s got an open mind, and heart, folks.
“It must be weird coming back to the US after being ABROAD for a week. Did you pick up any Thai? I mean the LANGUAGE, not the WOMEN! EHEHEHEH! You know, ‘How much do you cost?’ ‘Where’s the bathroom?’ ehehehe!” 2/22/06 8:19 a.m.
“I’m not going to lie and pretend I know anything about this.” Trying to sell a candidate on switching jobs…
2/23/06 9:25 AM
(I wish I heard the name of that vendor)”... will sell you 30 pounds of buffalo testicles. They taste like VEAALLL cutlets. You could tell people they were veal cutlet MEATBALLS!”
2/23/06 11:39 AM
“Katherine Carter? Why would you go by Cherry Carter? It sounds like PORNSTAR name. Like down on Mission St. on one of those billboards. CHERRY CARTER. I’d see it.”
2/24/06 9:30 AM
“Why do we have Tin Foil? To make hats with so the government can’t read our thoughts? EHEHEHEHE Or is Rich ‘chasing the dragon’ when we aren’t around.” minutes lapse as Greg stands in front of Rich’s desk while he answers a call. As soon as Rich hangs up the phone Greg says “[Our diabetic CEO] ain’t shooting up insulin in there! EHEHEHEHE.
2/24/06 10:15 AM.
Greg coughs up a lung oyster really loudly in a quiet office and then pronounces “That was tasty!”
2/27/06 8:30 AM
“Yeah, man, did you READ about that? Apparently they tried to eat the penis RAW before COOKING it.” Rest of offices lets out a collective “Auuuuugh.” 3/1/06 1:44 p.m.
Rich and Brendan, facetiously: “You mean you’ve never cooked and eaten somebody? Where’s the Greg the Donkey we thought we knew?”
“Well, I’m into a lot of perverse things, but not cannibalism. I mean, I’ve EATEN a lot of women, but… in a DIFFERENT SENSE!” 3/1/06 1:45 p.m.
“Man, she’s just FUGLY!”
Rich: “So you want to DO her, greg?”
Oh, yeah I wanna RAPE her… rape her like a PIG! Rape her while she SQUEALS… Tie ‘er up… Truss ‘er up…like a HOG in HEAT! SOOOO-EEEEEE!” 3/1/06 4:46 p.m.
Greg says:
In what is further evidence of the porn industry’s disdain of Christianity. Web-based Divine Productions goes out of its way to promote products that clearly offend and mock Christianity and the Catholic Church. Through its website, the company is offering sex toys like a baby Jesus butt plug, a jackhammer Jesus, and a diving nun
Greg says:
“I knew he was going to a recovery group but I didn’t know what it was for,” says Amy. “When I came across the journal entry, the magnitude of it really hit me and I kind of woke up.” Amy confronted Lance about his problems with pornography. Lance admitted that at the peak of his addiction, he was looking at porn as much as 6 to 8 hours a day.” [Amateur!]
“I would FUCK HER like a plastic FUCK DOLL! I would bend her over and… I would pop out her EYEBALL and fuck the SOCKET!” 3/3/06 2:45 p.m. (speaking of photograph in National Geographic article about Ukranian sex slaves).
“12 DOLLARS? That’s like a movie! PUSSY, or MOVIE?” 3/3/06 3:00 p.m. (referring to the price of a Thai whore).
“Oh, I”m doing OK. It’s HUMP day… I’ve got to HUMP on HUMP day. Call up my WIFE for LUNCH. Meet her in the PARKING LOT. Screw her in the BATHROOM. Romantic.” 3/8/06 8:30 a.m.
Email from Richard to the entire office:
“let’s celebrate the donkey’s birthday on Friday!!!” 3/9/06 8:00 a.m.
Email from Jeff, in response to entire office:
“Perhaps some place that does not discourage table dancing….....then the Donkey can take off his bridle and show the patrons how he got his name?” 3/9/06 10:00 a.m.
On the phone, attempting to recruite a new researcher:
“You know, most of the good researchers are crazy.” 3/9/06 11:45 a.m.
“How will I celebrate my birthday besides drinking? ARE YA KIDDING?”
“Ah, celebrate with your significant other?”
“Significant OTHERS. Oh yeah. We’ve had some GOOD birthdays!” 3/9/06 3:15 p.m.
“Oh, MAN, some of those women have HUGE tits. I mean, a woman who could satisfy a horse?.. yeah!” 3/10/06 8:55 a.m.
“The only reason I got a profile out of HER was because she’s a WOMAN. Had to pull out the MACK-DADDY skills.” 3/10/06 10:43 a.m.
“Have you ever heard of the RULE OF THUMB? You can beat a woman with a rod no thicker than your THUMB. When I get HOME, I’m going to BEAT my wife with something about YAY ROUND. Then I’m going to make her perform degrading sexual ACTS.”
Jeff: “Which she’ll enjoy, because she likes pornography.”
“I’m gonna make her BARK like a DOG. I’m gonna make her BRAY like a DONKEY!” 03/10/06 10:55 a.m.
Brendan says:
did you read that article i sent you?
Greg says:
yeah. I like my womans pussy the way it is.
3/14/06 10:00 a.m.
Great Moments in Gregslist History:
On this day, March 14, 2006, while doing a lengthy Y/N, Greg has decided to “experiment” with new voices. Naturally, we’ve all been enjoying a good laugh at his dismal failures in the art of ventrilloquism. Examples include:
A broken Asian dialect
An Elvis Impersonation
An effeminate adolescent boy
An effeminate adolescent girl
A Hispanic man who speaks terrible English
A black woman
Greg says:
I’d violate every orifice in her body (ears included)
speaking of Osama Bin Laden’s young niece 3/14/06 12:17 p.m.
“The tenderloin isn’t the place you go to find classy whores.”
3/15/06 11:10 AM
“Why is it that when I miss 1 day of work, it takes 5 days to catch up?”
Because you are a fucking idiot Greg, that’s why.
“I need a spoon for my Top Ramen. I got a new flavor! It’s called Artificially Smoked Fish Flavored Ramen!”
Have you ever seen Kermit the frog laughing with his mouth agape? He kinda looks around while bouncing up and down laughing. That is EXACTLY WHAT GREG LOOKS LIKE when he gets off the phone thinking he’s tricked the person on the other line. Well, Greg is less green…
The day before Greg leaves for a Hawaiian vacation, our project manager says to Greg: “Try not to sunburn your penis!”
The CEO came out to say one last thing to Greg before he left:
“I”m not going to find all kinds of porn on your computer, am I?”
and greg says, “No, all my porn’s at home. I can’t JERK OFF at the office! eheheh!”
Richard replied: “Well, you ARE always touching yourself.”
You know how I know that Greg is on vacation?
I just heard the NCAA commentator mention “sloppy ball handling” and I didn’t hear a bad joke immediately afterwards.
“One night, we started drinking BEER. Then his wife brought out a bottle of VODKA. Then I said, ‘I’ll take my CLOTHES off if EVERYBODY ELSE will. So we ran around this FIELD naked, screaming our asses off. Then we walked HOME naked. This was a SUBURBAN neighborhood. Then, when we got home, my brother’s wife starting HURLING on the CARPET.” Hawaii will never be the same. 03/28/06 8:20 a.m.
“This guy was partner in a FIRM and he had to change JOBS because his partner was KILLED. EHEHEHEHEH!” 3/28/06 11:18 a.m.
After about an hour of rambling, obnoxiously loud outbursts about a project he’s working on: “Jeff… did I do GOOD on this?” later: “Richard, you would be PROUD of me.” Finally, Richard says “Enough, enough, enough, enough, enough, enough.” Jeff adds in, “Yeah, that’s too much.” Greg: “I don’t like to FAIL!” 3/29/06 10:08 a.m.
“Quick, I need to make up a company name… how about… CIS…CO. Cisco. Oh, wait, damn, that already exists.” 3/29/06 9:58 a.m.
“Hello this is… John… XXXXXX… from…Dolphin Systems.” 3/29/06 9:59 a.m.
“I can LIE, I can MAKE UP NAMES, I can DO VOICES.” 3/29/06 10:00 a.m.
“I just got a SWEET new ROLE PLAYING GAME. It’s AWESOME. It’s called… YEAR OF THE SWORD, or something like that! I would have brought it in, but my portable PS2 player is my BABY. I don’t want to HURT it.” When asked about his actual baby, he demured, saying, “Well, all THAT baby does is cry on PLANES! eheheh! No, it’s not a JAP RPG. JAP video games BLOW. You know what the problem with JAP games is? The character are all HAPPY looking. I mean, I don’t want my character to have tiny little MOUTH, and purple spikey HAIR. There’s this sweet MOVE, where you shoot out these SPIDER WEBS…” Events occured, loudly, within the course of five minutes in the middle of the office. Some material may have been lost due to an interupting phone call made when transribing. All gregslist material is guaranteed accurate and up-to-date. Here at gregslist, we’re committed to providing you only the most quality greg outbursts, tirades, perverse fantasies, and downright bullshit possible. Gregslist: sharing our pain… one post at a time.
“Hey, Jeff, got a minute?” (Jeff, very reluctantly, says yes) “Well, I was thinking, and I was STINKIN’! EHEHEHEH!” Looks around, waits for responses. None come. 3/29/06 1:45 p.m.
“I’d rather prostitute RICH! EHEHEHE!” 3/29/06 1:58 p.m.
“Why don’t these people want to TALK to me? They’re SCARED! They’re friggin’ WUSSES! It’s like ‘OOOOOOOOO, I don’t want to talk to a RECRUITER, I’m scaaaaaaaaared!’ Friggin’ wusses.” 3/29/06 2:40
“I’m gonna take a RAZOR BLADE and slice off these MOSQUITO BITES and leave them as BLOODY HOLES! LOOK at these things! They’re all over my BODY!” 3/29/06 3:11 p.m.
“You don’t like JAPANESE RICE SNACKS? You should drink COORS light, lose your neck… and move to colorado! Body builders don’t eat fat? Are you kidding? Body builders eat ALL KINDS OF FAT! They want to BULK UP. They want to be all ‘RRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!’” 3/29/06 3:30 p.m.
“I really like the idea of pretending to be an INTERN. Because then I can be STUPID.” Apparently, Greg’s been doing a lot of interning here at Stearns. 3/29/06 3:37 p.m.
“If someone’s being a DIARRHEA MOUTH, I’ll talk to them about ANYTHING! I’ll ask them where their GRANDMOTHER is buried!” 3/29/06 3:42 p.m.
Greg: “I might start to forget my identity. Maybe I’ll come into work in a dress!”
Richard: “Not much would surprise us, Greg.”
Greg: “My wife tried to shave my chest in hawaii.”
Richard: “Are you sure you don’t want to go on ‘Oprah,’ Greg?” 3/30/06 3:30 p.m.
Richard: “Greg, I can’t listen to you one more minute on this topic! You screwed up, you messed up, you’re horrible, you’re terrible! ” 3/30/06 4;20 p.m. After greg came over, once again, to fish for compliments.
“Guys, I keep smelling DIRTY SOCK SMELL, and I don’t know if it’s ME. So if I walk by and you guys SMELL something, don’t be afraid to TELL ME. I’ve got to KNOW these things.” 3/31/06 8:45 p.m.
Brendan announces to the office: “Hey guys we have to pick out a restaurant and a time to go get lunch.”
Greg(on the phone) blurts out “Does beer at a Strip Club count as lunch? EHEHEHE”...
Seconds later Greg is a little spaced out then says. “Oh crap! I think I just left that as a message to Sylvia(One of our researchers).”
I hear him scrambling and calling her back.
Greg: “Sylvia! Hi it’s Greg from RW Stearns. I was just leaving you a message and I was talking to a co-worker. Don’t mind the message. You should just delete it.”
Greg was shouting about something standing right next to my desk, awhile I was on the phone with a candidate. I had to repeat what I said, and shortly after lost the call… After telling him to keep quite, he said “You aren’t the first one to complain about my loudness.” No Greg, I’m sure that I’m not the first to complain, but how many people are going to have to tell you to shut the fuck up before you do?
2:30PM 4/4/06
“You know, I’m so TEMPTED to take one of these NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS to the BATHROOM with me when I POOP. You know, at home, I have MAGAZINES in the bathroom. You know, reading and pooping… THINKIN’ n’ STINKIN,’ you know? Now all I have when I poop is my THOUGHTS. and I have DIRTY thoughts.” 4/4/06 4:40 p.m.
The Daily News with GregX
Greg says:
NEW DELHI (Reuters) – A textbook used at schools in the Indian state of Rajasthan compares housewives to donkeys, and suggests the animals make better companions as they complain less and are more loyal to their “masters,” The Times of India reported Tuesday.
Greg says:
We live in the wrong country
Greg says:
“A Swedish doctor who has previously been cautioned in Sweden for using a controversial ‘anal massage’ technique to cure various kinds of pain has been fired from his job in Norway – for the second time.”
Greg says:
he could open a massage clinic in the castro
Greg says:
I’ll try it on the next girl I am trying to talk into anal sex. “baby, its good for you, let me give you an anal massage” 4/5/06 1:02 p.m.
“I limit myself to SOFTWARE piracy and SEX crimes. Nothing beyond that.” 4/5/06 1:48 p.m.
“I want to get a TEE shirt that says “I love my Playstation PORTABLE.” Shortly thereafter: “I AM a fuckin’ NERD, dude! I AM a fuckin’ nerd! Proud OF it!” 4/6/06 9:48 a.m.
“Is there anything more REDUNDANT than GOOD FRIDAY? I mean, what friday ISN’T good? You know what? You know what? The catholics should call it VERY GOOD FRIDAY! EHEHEHEH!” 4/6/06 2:35 p.m.
“I’m supposed to be looking for WOMEN on this project. I’ve got two SUSPECTS: Elaine HARRY….ehehehehe… and Suzanne DONG! EHEHEHEHEHEHE! what if their names were HARRY DONG! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! HARRY DONG!” (Laughing extremely hard) 4/6/06 4:46
“No, looking at porn at work is what I do. That’s why my KEYBOARD’S stained! eheheheh!” 4/7/06 11:50 a.m.
Gregslist, The Musical 4/7/06 3:00 p.m.
The Songs
”When Darkness Comes”
I sit here in the darkness,
The silent dead of night,
Thinking back to days gone by.
When I was lost,
A lone forgotten soldier,
Trying to find a purpose for the fight.
I think of you and I’m on another journey,
But soon reality sets in.
Left to myself to ponder my existence,
I’ve learned to live this life but still…
When darkness comes,
I lie alone
My memories are my only companion.
The ground beneath
Is hard and cold.
It threatens me with age beyond my years.
When darkness comes
Now more than ever
I need someone to tell me I have lived a good life…I have lived a good life
And night is cruel.
And I don’t know if I can face it
Without you here to lift me up when I feel small.
To answer all my questions, and question my answers,
And understand when I don’t want to think at all.
A new dawn is near
And I cannot help but wonder, for my purpose,
Have I paid too high a price?
I may soon make the ultimate concession.
All I hope is you believe that I’ve done right.
When darkness comes,
I lie alone
My memories are my only companion.
The ground beneath
Is hard and cold.
It threatens me with age beyond my years.
When darkness comes
Now more than ever
I need someone to tell me I have lived a good life.
I may soon make the ultimate concession and I hope..
I have lived a good life…
Through all the struggles that I’ve seen,
And the hardships that I’ve been through,
And all the times that I asked God to set me free,
Take away my pain
Rid the world of me
And when my spirit sunk so low
You were the strength on which I drew.
A friendly word that I could count on
To say we’ve not forgotten you
And now I know…
That they could take me a thousand miles from home,
Still I’d never stand alone.
For six years you’ve made me say
I want to live another day.
And after all this time
I proudly walked into the sunshine
Of freedom
With shoulders unbent…
And head unbowed.
I had forgotten what it means
To smell the sweet scent of the flowers.
I’m still not used to how it feels to wander free.
What once was second nature now can never be.
And I am bitter after all
They stole the best years of my life.
Until I leave this world I’ll never let them get their way.
As hard as they tried to silence me
I’m shouting out today.
And now I try to fight the ghosts inside.
The hardest part is living with the visions in my mind.
But I will always know that battle which I fought with you
Shows me there’s nothing I can’t do,
And I know I will survive.
And they could take me a thousand miles from home
Still I’d never stand alone.
For six years you made me say
I want to live another day.
And after all this time
I proudly walk into the sunshine
Of freedom.
With shoulders unbent…
Shoulders unbent…
And head unbowed.
The Reviews Are In…
richard: “keep your day job”
richard: “that’s AWFUL, greg! your song selection… is very important.”
Jeff: “It’s like a wounded druid alone in the forest, pierced by an arrow”
richard: “were your nipples being twisted while you were singing?”
joe: “I’m dying!”
richard: “here’s a brownie. Shut that mouth!”
Greg: “When I first moved to CHEE-LAY, I lived with a family that had two TEENAGE GIRLS.” (we all prepare ourselves for what’s to follow) “One of them would listen to this song OVER AND OVER and just CRY!” richard: “were you twisting HER nipples?”
richard: “Another William Hong in the making.”
“This was my favorite joke as a kid: This guy thinks his wife is cheating on him, so he teaches his one-legged parrot to PROP himself up with his DICK and to spy on his WIFE. So, the guy gets home, and he’s talking to his PARROT. and the parrot’s like, “well, this guy was here and he was kissing your WIFE.” and the guy’s like “yeah, go on.” and the parrot’s like “And then he was TOUCHIN’ HER everywhere!” and the guy’s like “Go on, go on.” “And then he took off her BRA and was suckin’ on her TITTIES!” “And then what happened next?” “I don’t know,” the parrot goes, “My DICK got hard and I fell off my PERCH!” eheheheheh!” 4/7/06 4:15 p.m.
Brendan says:(Talking about ‘Ice Age 2, The Meltdown’)
as long as there’s hot wooly-mammoth love, i’m game
Greg says:
I have a video with hot furry doggy love
Brendan says:
i was being facetious
4/10/06 8:30 a.m.
Speaking about affirmative action:
“I should have taken my WIFE’S last name to get a job. Gregory Gonzalas!”
Richard: “Yeah, then you’d just need a skill.”
“Oh YEAH. I forgot about that! ehehehehe!” 4/10/06 9:45 a.m.
Greg says:
“Jubb says, he subsisted almost entirely on one cup of herbal tea (with honey) per day. The rest of his nutritional needs were produced by “intestinal flora and friendly yeast”—plus his own urine, which he drinks two or three times a day. “It tastes a bit like seawater,” Jubb says of his drink, which he pronounces “you-Rhine,” like the river. “It can be a little foreign, but eventually it gets good.”
Greg says:
A brethanarian. People who belive they can survive on just tea with honey and urine. 4/10/06 1:40 p.m.
Greg says:
“While in the holding cell, she removed a .25-caliber semiautomatic from her vaginal cavity,” Chillicothe Police Capt. Tom Hewitt said yesterday. 4/10/06 1:50 p.m.
“My wife and kid stay up until MIDNIGHT. It’s rough on Greg. But nobody cares about Greg.” office responds with a collective nod and an ‘Mmmmm.’ 4/12/06 9:45 a.m.
“So did you ever get into STARGATE the SERIES?” 4/12/06 10:00 a.m.
“You don’t know SHATNER until you’ve seen the SHOW. He was YOUNG, and he was DASHING. and he used to FUCK everybody. I mean, you watch the show today, and NOBODY FUCKS! But back then, say, he’d meet a QUEEN, and she wouldn’t give him the code to the DILITHIUM TRANSPORT, so he’d FUCK her. Then, you watch NEXT GENERATION, and NOBODY’S FUCKING!” 4/12/06 10:01 a.m.
Brendan: “Rich, you’ve got like 5 bags of chips back there. Stocking up supplies in case of an earthquake?”
Rich: “Yeah, this will last me a couple days before we have to resort to cannibalism.”
Both, simultaneously: “We’ll eat Greg first.” 4/12/06 10:45 a.m.
“If you smell something funky in here, it’s me.”
4/13/06 8:23 AM
“That profile was QUICK, FAST, and DIRTY - like SEX in a BATHROOM STALL!” 4/13/06 1:35 p.m.
“This music makes me want to SKIP CLASS and go take BONG HITS!” 4/13/06 3:30 p.m.
Talking about why Japanese girls love American men:
“Well, there’s the thing about Asian men’s PENISES. they see this massive, white SNAKE… This slithering, giant, tube of BALONEY… my LOVE SAUSAGE…and they get excited. But, no, I mean, Japanese girls could HANDLE me. They couldn’t WALK. They wouldn’t be able to SHIT for a WEEK.” 4/13/06 3:45 p.m.
“They’re still FUCKING THE DOG on that one. You’ve never heard that expression? No, no, ‘screwing the pooch’ is just the nice way to say FUCKING the DOG.” 4/18/06 9:55 a.m.
“I’d rather FUCK a DOG than have my DICK cut off, any day.” 4/18/06 9:56 a.m.
“My INTERNET just took a DUMP!” 4/18/06 4:20 p.m.
“I’ll recruit for anybody. I’ll call jews recruiting for Hamas!”
4/18/06 ?
“You guys just aren’t used to somebody who talks like a MAN. You guys are used to NAMBY-PAMBY talk! I don’t mince my WALK and I don’t mince my WORDS!” Moments later, on the phone: “No, Amor… Amor… NOOOOOOO!” 4/18/06 4:23 p.m.
In a near-weeping, exasperated voice: “WHY CAN’T I PICK UP LINE? WHY? IT’S NOT WORKING! WHY CAN’T I PICK UP MY LINE TWO? OH NO!” 4/19/06 8:50 a.m.
“The only enterprise I know is STAR TREK! EHEHE!” 4/20/06 2:30 p.m.
“I’m going to WALGREEN’S to get some CHIPS to go with my LUNCH. Anybody need any CONDOMS or ENEMA KITS? Bring a GIRL over, flush out a little bit? I’m downloading this VIDEO called ASIAN POKE-HOLES. ehehe! Isn’t that a GREAT title?” 4/25/06 1:07 p.m.
Greg says:
Argentina used to be SUPER expensive. At least as expensive as NYC, but then in 2001 or thereabouts, their economy tanked in a big way
Greg says:
now things are A LOT cheaper
Greg says:
hookers included
4/25/06 4:20 p.m.
“Hey, can I tell you guys something really SEXIST? by the way, last night I was watching ASIAN POKEHOLES. I also downloaded BIG JUGS 3. I can make you a copy, if you’re interested. No, it’s not particularly disturbing. Anyway, this woman I profiled, Christina Lee, her email address is CLEE4FUN! ehehe. wonder what SHE’S been using that address for!” 4/26/06 11:45 a.m.
I can hear Greg yelling in the CEO’s office about how he screwed up some research ending the conversation saying:
“You can spank me, or flog me in public!”
momentary pause as he leaves the office. He dashes back in after about 5 seconds saying:
“I didn’t mean it THAT way.”
4:00 PM
Holds up two discs for Rich
“Video games.” Hand one to him.
“Pornography.” Hands the other. Possibly a copy of “Asian Pokeholes.”
4/28/06 8:05 a.m.
On the phone:
“That was dumb. That was really, really, dumb. That’s a bad, bad thing to do. Don’t EVER call the software company. Do you realize that everything on your computer is pirated? Don’t EVER, EVER, EVER do that again. And don’t EVER give them my name. I’m a software pirate. I just assumed you knew everything I gave you was pirated.” 4/28/06 8:30 a.m.
Demonstrating his refined sense of aesthetic beauty:
“You guys ever notice that on this PAINTING over here there’s a splotch of paint that looks just like LUNG BUTTER? Like someone just walked by and HAWKED one on it?” 4/28/06 12:14 p.m.
Greg to richard: “going to vegas? you gonna hit the slots?”
Richard: “actually i don’t gamble in vegas.”
Greg: “so you’re in it for the hookers?”
5/2/06 10:30 AM
Later: “Go get Richard some PENICILLEN! for the STD’s!”
Greg says:
When I was doing my job search before coming here, I saw an ad in Craigslist for a male porno actor. But they insisted in someone who could show that he had been in a movie before and had the test papers, etc… Greg says:
It would be a cool job. Cum on a girls face, get paid….
5/2/06 2:00 p.m.
Overhearing Greg talking to an operator:
“What’s this call regarding? Uhh It’s a Business… Personal… Call.” He hangs up shortly thereafter saying.
“I must have used the same voice on her twice.”
5/5/06 10:30 AM
Brendan says:
did you see my email about the bonobos monkeys?
Greg says:
no but I studied them in anthropology. They are the smaller lowland apes relatives of Chimps that have orgies, and masturbate freely, etc…
Greg says:
I think I was a Bonobo in my past life
Greg says:
It would explain a lot of things, like my high sex drive, lower than average intelligence and large genitals
Greg says:
in relation to body size I bet they are better hung than humans
05/09/06 1:30 p.m.
Greg says:
Greg says:
Now I finally know what my problem is!
Headline to which link leads: “Constant Sexual Arousal Plagues NorCal Woman”
Greg says:
that or “chronic perversion”
05/10/06 2:45 p.m.
Jeff: “The universal language is love.”
Greg: “What kind of love are we talking here? FRONT END love? BACK DOOR love? BONOBO love?” 5/10/06 4:30 p.m.
“The bums in the Tenderloin are NICE. They see me coming down the street with my daughter, they’ll stop SHOOTING UP. They turn their CRACK PIPES away and say “KID ON THE BLOCK!” They’re truly nice people.” 5/16/06 2:30 p.m.
“Bums LINGERING outside your apartment isn’t the worst that could happen – in the Tenderloin the bums POOP outside your apartment! They don’t even have the decency to go behind CAR. They’re just standing there, POOPING AWAY in the STREET! You see poop in the Tenderloin, it’s HUMAN.” 5/16/06 3:15 p.m.
“Are you KIDDING? Tirades are GOOD! We need MORE tirades in this country… or else we’ll have more GEORGE W. BUSH TURNPIKES!” 5/16/06 4:08 p.m. ???
Regarding the female candidate just interviewed for a position with the company:
“I’d take a smart bitch ofver a STUPID nice girl ANY DAY!”
R-Dub: “Yes Greg, we know that from what you’ve told us about your wife.”
5/16/06 1:30PM
“Does Mohammet start with an “O” or an “A”?”
5/16/06 3:47PM
Rich: “I know you hate anime, but do you hate anime PORN?”
Greg: “Why would you watch anime porn when you can watch REAL porn?”
Rich: “Because in anime porn you can’t see a girl get raped by an octopus.”
Greg: “Yeah you CAN. you just need to know where to LOOK!” 5/19/06 9:05 a.m.
“I need to show this show FIREFLY. It’s about human after they leave EARTH. They TERAFORM an entire SOLAR SYSTEM. It’s mostly thieves, murders, and HOOKERS.” 5/19/06 9:10 a.m.
Occasionally we have what are called Y/Ns we have to confirm that individuals on a list are still at the phone number listed.
Whenever someone picks up who doesn’t say their name, Greg yells like he’s got poor reception saying “HELLO!! HELLO? HELLO” Disrupting the entire office.
After doing this each time, Greg pronounces to the office “What Idiot?! What kind of people answer the phone without saying their names?! I have to act like I can’t hear them so that the don’t know what I’m doing.”
I offered him a solution and said “You know Greg, anytime someone picks up the phone and doesn’t say their name, you could be using this opportunity to verify someone else’s name on your list. Just ask for another name, and if they know who you are talking about, you can verify the person without talking to them.”
He answers: “Well yeah, but that just takes too much time.”
I say: “Asking for other names on the list could potential cut the amount of calls you make, in half.”
Greg mumbles back and negative reply and says it doesn’t really matter. But in a moment of clarity asks: “Does it bother you that much?”
me: “Yes Greg, You’re really loud.”
Greg: “I’ll try to be quieter.”
I can continue to hear him quietly muffling the faking of his bad reception.
5/19/06 4:00PM
To all our readers, farewell – I, alas, have posted my final gregslist comment. The list is life. – BR 06/02/06
On phone with candidate:
“Hello—Oh my name is Greg— Why am I calling—Well I’m a— I’m a recruiter— I’m trying to do some networking—Who do I work for? Uhh— I work for— I’m an independent recruiter and I’m just calling— Uhh— Am I making any sense?”
6/9/06 8:30 AM.
“I’m sorry I’m just unprofessional. Please excuse me.”
6/9/06 12:10 AM
“Things are so much cheaper in South America. If you hire a plumber to come over and fix your pipes, you had better get a bottle of Astroglide, because you know what’s coming.” I really hope the term ‘plumber’ is not a euphamism for a male prostitute. This is just far too laden with sexual connotation.
6/15/06 8:30 AM
“Crackheads are more organized than me….” Muttering to himself…
6/16/06 8:40 AM
“The problem with Asians, is….”
6/20/06 12:40
While having a fairly loud discussion with Rich:
“I took the liberty of…” LOUDLY BLOWS HIS NOSE “installing Grand Theft Auto on your PSP.”
6/28/06 8:22
Greg, Loudly Coughing:
“I hope you guys don’t mind the grossness.”
Jeff: “If you were a dog, I’d beat you and throw you outside.”
Greg: “You sound like my wife!”
“It lubes up your innards.”
7/14/06 2:15 PM
(Greg, describing the validity of learning a 2nd language)
“Language is about as useful as an 8-Track tape player.”
7/18/06 9:30 AM
“Only homeless people get body lice.”
7/21/06 9:30 AM
Overhearing Richard talking with Greg:
“Did I ever tell you I went to jail?” I had a call to pick up, but the next thing I heard was Richard saying:
“Were you the bitch?”
“Hell no, I was pitching.”
7/21/06 1:30 PM
“Why drink it when you can put it in your pooper?”
7/21/06 3:40
“supposedly this an epitaph from a tombstone in a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.”
8/4/06 12:30
Best Metaphor of the Day: “Blaming mistakes on Rich is like blaming farts on the dog.”
“Actually, dogs and children have a lot in common.”
8/18/06 3:20 PM
“Goddamn. I’m getting good at lying.”
8/23/06 4:10 PM